Introduction

The Pressure to Do Everything

Take a minute to think about how you're feeling right now. Does it sometimes seem as if you're just "doing" your life? Are you worried that things might not be working out the way you want? Do you even know what you want or where you should be at this point in your life?

If this sounds familiar, don't worry -- you are not alone. When women in their twenties leave home or college and start doing what they assume is expected of them, they often get twinges of fear or discontent or sadness. They -- and you -- probably try not to pay too much attention to those twinges: It feels too threatening and you'd rather not think about it.

Putting your head in the sand or pulling the covers over your head will only work for so long: The twinges continue to pop up just when you least expect them. In the middle of taking a shower, running off to the gym, or going to work, you may start to feel anxious. You have trouble breathing, your heart is pounding, but you tell yourself, "I can't think about this now."

Or, it's Friday afternoon and you realize you haven't made any plans for the weekend. You call several of your friends, but everyone is already booked. You start wondering, "Why didn't they include me? Am I that boring to be around?"

Or, you meet a nice guy and spend a few weeks hanging out together. You're having fun, so you assume he is too. Then all of a sudden he stops calling you or quits answering your e-mails. "What did I do wrong?" you ask yourself. "I was sure he liked me."

As a clinical psychologist, I constantly hear these worries and concerns from the young women I work with: They are feeling tremendous pressure from the expectation they experience as the need to "do everything." They are constantly being reminded that the world is filled with great promise and possibility where they can seemingly pick and choose what they want to do with their lives. However, the reality is, what seem like options and opportunities feel like pressures and expectations.

The insecurity, anxiety, and dissatisfaction that women like you in their twenties and early thirties are experiencing is what I call self-doubt. It makes you unable to see clearly or think straight, let alone make decisions or changes in your life. Self-doubt is the effect of the tremendous pressure you feel to meet a certain set of expectations that come from society and are passed on and reaffirmed by your parents, your friends, and most of all, yourself. These require you to accomplish a series of goals in both your personal and professional lives that are to be attained within an expected time frame -- career by twenty-five, marriage by thirty, baby by thirty-five, and so on.

Where do these expectations come from? Who made them up? Young women of today are living with the legacy of feminism, and the change in a woman's role in the world is permanently interwoven in the fabric of every aspect and institution of our society. The message you hear from the media, your parents, teachers, bosses, friends, and coworkers -- not to mention the guy you may be dating -- is consistent: Get married and have children, but also accomplish a great many other goals as well.

As you know, marriage is just the beginning of what is expected of you. Somewhere along the line, the once-empowering message "Women can do anything" has morphed into the mandate "Women must do everything."

So where does this leave you? Like every other generation of women before you, you're supposed to get married and have children. But it doesn't stop there. The twentysomething woman must also pursue a career and all those other things in life that lead to "independence." Now, you are expected to:

1. Get a Man: Get married and have children -- or at least become involved in a meaningful relationship that will eventually lead to a commitment.

2. Have a Career: Find a job you have "passion" for and that will eventually lead to a career.

3. Make It on Your Own: Become financially independent and self-sufficient.

4. Look Good, Be Thin: Stay attractive, pay special attention to your appearance, and keep fit.

5. Be Popular: Create an active social life and have tons of friends.

6. Leave the Nest: Strike out on your own and have your own life.

7. Follow the Rules: Do it right and in a timely fashion, even if you're not sure it's exactly what you really want.

The pressure to fulfill all these expectations can be incredibly stressful and overwhelming. If you can't or don't want to accomplish every item on this list, you assume that something must be wrong with you. You begin to doubt yourself and your abilities -- not only in the specific area where you think you have "failed," but also about your life in general. And the more you question what you want and can do, the more confused you become.

"Regardless of their levels of self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being, twentysomethings are particularly vulnerable to doubts," write Alexandra Robbins and Abby Wilner in their best-selling book, Quarterlife Crisis. "They doubt their decisions, their abilities, their readiness, their past, present, and future . . . Many times the doubts increase because twentysomethings think it is abnormal to have them in the first place. No one talks about having doubts at this age, so when twentysomethings do find that they are continuously questioning themselves, they think something is wrong with them."

That's the bad news. The good news is that there are ways to deal with these doubts and paths you can follow to free yourself from the pressure created by these expectations. By making decisions with self-confidence rather than self-doubt and addressing the fear as well as your real experience, you will be able to create the changes you desire and live the life you want.

In the following pages, I will show you how to understand the difference between self-doubt, which prevents you from paying attention to what you really want, and your own intuition, which lets you question and make decisions by listening to a conviction deep within yourself. I will also help you learn skills and techniques to recognize and overcome self-doubt, and begin to reclaim power over your life. Remember: (1) Self-doubt does not come from you. (2) You can conquer self-doubt and not give into it. (3) You can transform self-doubt by challenging the expectations in your life, believing in yourself, and deciding what you want.

As you start to distinguish between what you want for yourself and the expectations others have of you, you will see that many of these expectations are actually things you do want for yourself -- but on your own terms. By learning to trust your own intuition, you will begin to feel comfortable -- and confident -- with the choices you make and the changes you decide on.

Throughout this book, I will help you to do the following:

• Recognize and name the problem. You'll learn how to recognize what is bothering you and put a name to it -- self-doubt, insecurity, feeling wrong, fear, lack of trust, or whatever feels like the "right" name for you. Once you give the problem a name and identity, you will see that its power over you can begin to diminish.
• Understand and challenge the expectation. You'll come to understand that the problem is self-doubt and not you; the problem is the effect of the pressure you're experiencing from the expectations you face. Learning new techniques as well as remembering your own skills will help you challenge these expectations from a position of confidence and clarity.
• Connect to what you value and believe. By acknowledging your skills and gifts as well as recalling past episodes of success and confidence, you will begin to connect to what you know about yourself and to what you value and believe. As you bring your unique talents into the present, you will be able to live your life more consistently with your values and philosophy and take greater pride in your accomplishments.
• Seek allies against self-doubt. You'll learn how to create a community of support -- allies against self-doubt who are by your side -- and surround yourself with people who acknowledge and value your victories and achievements.

I have great respect for your wisdom and courage as you make your way through your twenties. I am also keenly aware of your competence and basic common sense -- even when you might not be able to recognize your own special skills and talents. Over the years, I have learned a great many things from the young women I have worked with, and this book reflects their knowledge and insights as much as mine.

As we begin to challenge together the expectations that create the pressures in your life, you too will find that you are able to make decisions based on what you really want, not on what you think society wants from you. By saying no to self-doubt, you will begin to define your life in your own terms, and realize that what might feel like pressures and expectations are, in reality, wonderful options and opportunities.

Copyright © 2004 Victoria C. Dickerson, Ph.D.